Love

This is just a free write for me. I'm venting my current emotions. I've been with her for over a year now. Things aren't where either of us want them to be. I think about just giving up every day. But I have sat here and looked at old photos and cards, old posts on facebook and twitter and realize that I have never stopped loving her. I just forgot to keep it fun and new. I forgot to remind myself why I fell in love with her in the first place. I forgot to tell her that even to this day I admire her skin and eyes. How I love her drive and dedication. The things that made me fall for her were slowly the things that stressed me out. I forgot to look deeper than the surface. I lost the things who made me who I am. My words left me. I forgot to write. I couldn't write. I was in such a slump it blocked me mentally from who I am. But here I am just now figuring it out. And not a second too late. So here baby this is dedicated to you. Everyday that you come home to me and lay in the bed next to me I feel closer to you than the night before. I can't get enough of you. I can't explain how you make me feel. I can't measure the amount of love you have in me that's bursting at the seems. You have my mind all fucked up. I was so scared of you. Scared of feeling this way. I have loved and been loved but never to this magnitude. But it is what it is and nothing more. Love. I couldn't have stopped this even if I had wanted to. You set out to get me, make me love you. And you have succeed in that and so much more. I have fought and fought against this feeling since I had my feelings hurt before. But even then it wasn't this. I punished you for my past. I was miserable in myself. I didn't want this. Now that I do I may have lost you. God knows what He's doing when He places people in our lives. Everyone is placed right where He wants them. You're here right at the right time. I've known you before. In a past life somewhere. Maybe you were an artist who painted and I was a stay at home mom. Or you were a king in a castle and I was merely a servant who wasn't worthy of your time. Maybe it wasn't our time then. But it's our time now. Maybe we were perfect for each other then. We are perfect for each other now. Maybe we were soul mates then. We are soul mates now. Matching souls that will find each other now matter what time it is. Always destined to come back to together. We have found one another again. I have found you and you have found me. We are where we are at for a reason. Now it's time to over come the obstacles and make the best of everything. No more fighting. Work from here on out. Have fun from here on out. I love you no other explanations needed. Love always finds a way.

The Benefit of Gay Adoption

I just want to share with you all a paper I wrote for a final in my language arts class this past semester. It is a very important subject to me and should be one to all the lesbian and gay community. I hope you enjoy. I have links to information contained here if anyone is interested. ----- All Children Need Love: The Benefits of Gay Adoption.---------------

So many children these days are abused and thrown to the side by families who don’t want them. There are few families in this country that will utilize the system of adoption; instead they vie for artificial insemination, surrogates, or having their own children. This still leaves several children to fend for themselves on streets, foster homes, and within the government system. It’s fair to say that when a child is part of a family that is loving and caring that the growth of that child is more likely to be positive than negative. If a gay or lesbian couple is capable of providing that child with the nurture and guidance that will help them exceed then why show bias to those couples, allowing the child to remain in a system that may end up being detrimental to their beings? There are concerns that having a child around a homosexual lifestyle may cause confusion and growth development within the child. Yet these same things are also a possibility in a heterosexual family. With the progress of personal views and beliefs in our country, homosexuality is more accepted than it was many years ago. Stereotyping or out casting those willing to step in and take on roles as guardians based on their sexuality limits the development of children in need of guidance and growth.   There are many children that need to be adopted within the U.S. Several factors are involved in the reasoning behind this. Teenage pregnancy, physical and sexual abuse, financial, and the unwanted child flat out are just a few of these factors. Many that want children have options to conceive their own child. However this still leaves thousands of children in the system without homes. The gay and lesbian community often utilizes the adoption method to fulfill their paternal urges. Stereotyping and casting aside their willingness to guide is considered unfair and bias. As a nation we should be more open to the commitment that the LGTB, lesbian gay transgender bisexual, community has put to into assisting adoption agencies with placing children in loving homes. Homosexual is “of, relating to, or characterized by a tendency to direct sexual desire toward another of the same sex,” (Merriam Webster, homosexual, 2012, Definition, para. 1). Many feel that homosexuality is learned or a choice, while others believe that it is genetic that a person is born with. Neither of these theories has been proven true. What we do know, is that the love generated in a same-sex relationship is no different than the love of a heterosexual relationship. Love is a strong affection or personal tie to another individual. As humans we are all capable of invoking this emotion, an emotion that is necessary to care for a child that is need of a family. Between 1999 and 2011there was 233,934 adoptions reported. There is no way to know how many of these adoptions were same-sex adoptions. There is also no way of knowing exactly how many kids there were in the foster care system at that time. What we do know is that not every child in the system had been adopted. Children need families to help develop personal values and gain confidence. The push against same-sex adoption is more about gay discrimination than it is of child welfare. But there are so many myths about gay adoption. These children simply need love. Some people seem to think that gay adoption poses an unsafe environment for children or that a gay household is a breeding ground that will teach children to be gay as well. However there are already many children living in gay households and children that are born into families of gay parents. According to the American Psychological Association Policy Statement on Sexual Orientation, Parents and Children, "there is no reliable evidence that homosexual orientation per se impairs psychological functioning. Second, beliefs that lesbian and gay adults are not fit parents have no empirical foundation" (A.P.A, 2005, para. 1). An unsafe environment is more so a place where abuse is taking place. These are environments that these children are torn from to begin with. A same-sex home does not fall under this guideline. There is no conclusive evidence that homosexuality is linked to one’s environment. Growing up in a gay household will not make a child gay. A consensus has developed among the medical, psychological, and social welfare communities that children raised by gay and lesbian parents are just as likely to be well-adjusted as those raised by heterosexual parents. Based on the nature of the evidence available in the field, Third District Court of Appeal State of Florida was satisfied in 2010 that the issue is so far beyond dispute that it would be irrational to hold otherwise; the best interests of children are not prohibiting by homosexual adoption (Third district of Appeal State of Florida, 2010, ¶ 4). If a parent is going to be assessed according to their sexual orientation it might also seem justified to assess them according to race, ethnicity or culture, income, age, religion, appearance, differing life style, or anything else that sets them apart form the “norm.” This is why applicants should be accepted based on their capacity to understand and meet the needs of a particular available child. Child placement decisions should be based on children’s specific needs and parent’s prospective ability to meet those needs. In some instances, the exclusions of homosexuals as adoptive parents mean that a child cannot be placed with a family. This leaves them vulnerable, sometimes never being placed in homes at all, and never learning the skills and values that we enable them to grow into successful adults. Even with all the evidence available to show that gay parents are just as eligible as straight parents, many fail to recognize this claim as factual. The constant argument is that children need both men and women as role models. When saying that having a parent of each sex is the only way to go we begin to forget about children who have only one parent. Whether the other parent died, abandoned their family when the child was an infant, or was never in the picture at all, there are millions of children in America being raised solely by a mother or solely by a father. Adolescents in these situations are being raised by one sex just as adolescents with two homosexual parents are, yet there is not nearly as much criticism for single- parent families as there is for homosexual-parent families. If one is going to criticize gay couples for not allowing their children to have role models of both sexes they might as well offer the same criticism to single mothers and fathers. At least children with two mothers or two fathers are receiving guidance and love from multiple parents rather than just one. Another common argument against gay adoption is that there simply hasn’t been enough research conducted to prove that the children raised by gay couples will be “fine”. But what is “fine”? Scientific studies have shown us that children who grow up with two gay or lesbian parents fare as well in emotional, cognitive, social, and sexual functioning as do children raised by heterosexual parents (Glenn 2). All scientific research conducted thus far shows no difference in development between the two groups of children either. All these studies are concluding that being raised by homosexual parents has no significant, detrimental effect on children. However, this type of research is still in its youth because the concept of gay adoption is still new. Adequate time has not yet passed to fully measure the lifelong effects of having homosexual parents. Truth is that down the road some issues may present themselves, but until that time, criticism of gay adoption is in any way justified. States that ban adoption by homosexual couples are prohibiting these children from being placed with a loving family. Rather than living in a nice home with two caring parents to raise them and guide them through life, these children will grow up with nobody to call Mom or Dad. The fact that there might be two people call Mom or two to call Dad shouldn’t matter. Just having someone there to take care of them and love them should be enough. There will be challenges; these children will face ridicule, and will not live a perfectly normal life. But whose life is normal? What does that word even mean? What is important is that if adopted, these children will have a shoulder to lean on and someone there to tell them its okay. They will always have someone to run to with arms wide open, ready to make the catch. They will know love. No matter what size, shape, color, or sex it comes in, love is a universal language capable of being expressed by anyone and needed by everyone. If gay and lesbian couples are capable of providing this love to a child, then why is their eligibility as parents questioned.

Studs: What's beneath their clothes?

Ok ladies! Here's a fun topic. We all love our studs. It's something about their swag. The way they dress, smell so good, and carry themselves, but somehow still manage to have that sense of femininity about them. Mmmm so sexy, just thinking about it makes me weak. I don't know about y’all but my girl is worse than me when it comes to getting dressed sometimes. She has to lay out all her clothes from her briefs and sports bra to her button up and J's. And even then she isn't guaranteed to wear what she lays out. What I'm curious to know is what these gentle-studs feel about their personal image based upon what kind of garments she wears under the American Eagle that she rocks. I have dated all different types of women. There are women who wear boxers and sports bras strictly. Women who mix and match boxers, briefs, panties, bras and sports bras based on their moods. Some studs who Victoria Secret it up underneath their Polo. Or studs like my woman who wears the tight ass boxer briefs that cling to her ass when they sag. And on most days don't rock a bra unless she absolutely has to. That shit is such a turn on! Sorry got off the subject just slightly. But what I want to know is if what they wear under their clothes makes a difference. I don't like to look at studs as men, but is it the more manly the boxer the more masculine the woman? I've been a lesbian for all my life as the majority of you know. Yet this is something I have yet to figure out. I mean is there any way to figure it out? Or is it truly about the comfort level that a woman has. Femmes let's be honest with ourselves, thongs aren't always the most comfortable things in the world. I mean half the time I wear one I feel like I have a wedgie all night long. Which brings me to something else, Studs if your woman asked you to dress in Vicky Secrets and you normally don't would you? I mean if you're in a lifelong relationship I think you should. Lol I caught my girl dressed in one of my bras playing around before!! But truthfully it was so funny and cute to me that I wanted her more than I ever had watching her walk around topless. Studs we love you no matter what you wear under your clothes. But please someone let me in on the secret. What's up with the underwear that y'all wear? Does it say something extra about your personalities? Should I expect that because you wear panties that you're more open in the bedroom? Or does it even matter at all? Period point blank there is nothing more seductive than a woman's body period. So no matter what you put on I'm all game. Wait, no I'm not allowed to say things like that anymore. Lol. Femmes what do you like to see your stud in?

New topics

I'm looking for ideas from the lesbian community on topics you would like to read about. Leave a comment or hit me up on twitter @kandicoated19 or facebook femlesmind. Thanks everyone

My girl got a girlfriend.

According to Young Dro and Ray Lavender, my girl gotta girlfriend, and it's ok with them. But let's be real in the Lesbian community if you find out your girl has a girl on the side, man shit is gonna go down. Cheating happens whether you're straight or gay. Problem is that in a lesbian relationship, it's more likely to cause a physical altercation.

I had a friend ask me why that is. Well if you're a smart woman, who are you more likely to fight a man with more strength than you, or a woman who you are equally matched with? Many fights among couples derive from feeling betrayed by their partner. And most lesbian domestic violence issues go unreported.

Here's a scenario. A woman and her lover (one fem, one stud) are together for years. The fem gets bored with the relationship but loves her partner too much to end the relationship. So instead of ending the relationship, she takes on a sexual lover whom her girlfriend would never suspect... another fem. The other woman posing as nothing more than a harmless friend, all the while a lot of extracurricular activity is happening. See the betrayal? Btw this is totally a hypothetical scenario

Even if a man was cheated on by his with another woman he's not really gonna be ok with it. His ego is gonna be shot to hell. Yea the idea of the three of them getting together may get him hard but in the end a man does not want to have to compete with a woman for his girl. Remember the Sisqo "Somebody's sleeping in My Bed?"

Cheaters never prosper, what goes around comes around, what goes on in the dark always comes to the light, all of these things add up to one thing: KARMA IS A BITCH. Still even having said all of this cheating will continue. And some woman's girl has a girlfriend on the side out there. Be careful.

Types

So my girlfriend and I are constantly getting into arguments because she says I'm a flirt and that the women I flirt with always fall into the category of "my type." My usual type is light-skinned women with long hair. She's right about one thing, I am a flirt. But it comes along with the job. I have been serving and bar-tending so long that I do it as second nature. Do I do it to hurt her? No, absolutely not. I care for her deeply and would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. But as far as this type thing goes, man I'm just sick of hearing about it.

Truth be told, I have this light-skinned, long hair FETISH because I have been in love with Alicia Keys since Song in A Minor. I mean who wasn't in love with her? But ask me about my first girl friend. Hmmm, while I'm thinking about that, that's a good topic for another blog. (Noted) Anyways, she was tall, chubby, dark-skinned, with dookie braids! Hey we are talking about 1997 don't judge the dookie braids!! And as far as I'm concerned. That's completely opposite of my so called type.

Let's talk about my current girl. She's dark brown skinned with a golden undertone, shoulder length dreads, about my height when I don't have heels on, but has the most amazing eyes. I often find myself staring at her because her beauty takes me by surprise every time. As a matter of fact, scrolling through her pictures just now and I was perplexed to realize that I was actually staring at each picture as though I have never seen her before.

What is a type anyway? A preference? And let's say you have been dating your "type" all your life and you look back to see that all of the relationships you've had with that type never lasted long, were superficial, or were no good for you. Wouldn't that make you want to try other types? This is what I really think. I want a woman who is going to have my back through thick and thin, that can take care of herself and even me when I need a helping hand. A woman that can keep a smile on my face, keep the relationship exciting, and show me things I've never seen before. I want a woman that knows what she wants hands down, is secure in herself, and can appreciate having a good woman on her arm. Now that's a type. The rest of it, looks, are shallow.

Don't fit that profile? Then you're not my type.

Uhauling

So the running lesbian joke is: What does a lesbian bring to the second date? The answer: a Uhaul. Ugh. Unfortunately, I know this to be true on so many different levels. I can't begin to tell you the number of my friends who fall in love on the first date and by the second they are shacking up or damn near close to it. The thought of it scares me shitless. Don't even leave a t-shirt on accident when you come over my place.You're trying to mark your territory so my other chicks will get mad and not come back over, I know that trick. Lol!

No but really, as women we are emotional creatures. Our pheromones release as toxins into the air and often allow for disillusionment of feelings and judgement. Thus the whole, I love you today, I hate you tomorrow syndrome, esp. if you've had sex on the first night. You might as well call it a wrap, it's over. Too many women confuse good sex for love. Hell, even bad sex. For some reason to them sex is love. Wrong! Sex is sex. Good sex is great! Bad sex is don't call me again I'm no longer interested and we are too grown so I'm not gonna teach you. Love is when you can't breath with the thought of not being with the one you're with. When you know them so well you are always on the same page without even needing to speak. Having special looks that only the two of you share, and endless friendship that consumes your heart. Sorry got carried away on a memory.

Anyways a shirt becomes a toothbrush. A toothbrush becomes an extra outfit. An extra outfit becomes a flat iron, brush, comb, make-up. Then there's the here's a key meet me at my place when you get off one time deal, that turns into well just keep it so I don't have to let you in when you come over tomorrow. You're staying over 4 or 5 nights a week, leaving from her house to go to work in the morning. Next thing you know it's "hey you're always over here anyways why don't you move in so we both can save on some money" Now here comes the Uhaul. Ugh! Just saying the name makes my skin crawl!! Lol

Hey I'm not mad at you for it. If you like it I love it. It's just not for me. I like my space. I like being able to go home if we get into an argument. It's like', oh yea that's how you feel? I don't have to take this I'm going home!!" Lol. I'm not bitter. And I'm definitely not scared of commitment. I just feel it takes time to get to that point. I like to get to know who I'm with first. Can you really get to know someone after only a date? A month? 6 months? I eventually want the whole fairytale fantasy life where i come home with to my wifey, cook a nice meal, and crawl up in bed together for a nice close to the evening. *Sigh Sounds absolutely heavenly. But I'm taking my time to get there. No hurt feelings this go 'round.

In my conclusion, lol, I don't care if it's Uhaul, Penske, Ryder, or Budget, on the second date please don't bring it. I'm not interested. Just bring an interesting conversation and some laughs. We'll get along better that way!! But then I can never say never.

None Of Your Friend's Business

We are probably all guilty of this to some degree. Gossiping to your best friend about your latest boo. Whether we are discussing the juicy details of last night's date, kiss, or sexual escapade; or we are dishing about a fantasy (in my case) woman who we were checking out at the mall, we do it. So here's a few problems with it.
1. Often times our friends get envious, curious, or live off our encounters.
2. The person you're dishing about usually wouldn't be comfortable with if they knew you were telling just how good their head game was or wasn't!!!
3. Some people really just don't know how to keep their mouths shut after you've told them something. So now not only does your bf know but her sister, your girls, the cashier at the corner store...etc.

Now if you have good friends then you really don't have nothing to worry about. But even a good friend can go bad if you're constantly boasting on your sexual fulfillment. Eventually someone is gonna start to wonder what if? Some of them are gonna be bold as hell. And some are just gonna be down right trifling. Can't begin to tell you the number of stories I hear of my best friend slept with my girl or man. Well guess what... If you didn't tell her how good it was she probably wouldn't want to see it for herself.

Or better yet, you do have a damn good friend who just listens and supports you and who your with. But you've told her all our business and now when I come around all she can do is smile at me. I'm wondering WTF, and come to find out she knows about the way I poured Moscato over your breast and sucked them dry. Yea awkward moment.

Now I'm a hypocrite on this subject because I'm definitely guilty of leaving a date and calling my girls up and spilling the beans about everything we did and the feelings that I have about the night, morning, or day. But honestly I shouldn't do it. The good thing for me though is that the majority of my friends are straight so I'm not worried about them crossing over to my side and trying out my beau at the moment. It still doesn't make it right though. Esp. cuz my friends are the ones to call her out when they meet her.

Regardless of the matter we are still gonna do it. I just say use caution while doing it. Be mindful of the outcomes that can occur as a result. Try to practice will power. What the hell, I know that even after this I'm still going to call up my friends and talk!! You're even going to catch a few stories in this blog so... Lmfao!!

Sexting

Her: What are you wearing?
Me: A wife beater, some purple boy shorts, and a pair of purple heels.
Her: Sounds sexy! You should send me a pic.
Me: Or I could send you a video with some visual graphics and sounds!

Oh yea you know exactly where this is going!!! Good old safe sexting! You know where you engage in sex via text message. It's a good way to practice safe sex and get yourself off at the same time!! Lol. Or even better a form of foreplay before the real fireworks begin later on that evening!

Now this is my question: When you're sexting are you actually performing the acts that you say you are or are you just bullshitting around and just saying shit? Me, myself, I'm guilty of both. There's been times where I was really horny enough to... well you know! I've gone so far as to have a full blown uh... hmm. And there's times when I'm just playing around and want to see just how far she will take the conversation.

The problem with sexting is that if you are actually performing, you have to wait minuets for a response. So its, text, wait, wait, wait, read, text, wait, wait, wait, read, and so on. Kinda kills the moment. But if she really knows what she's doing then even the moments in between can leave you hot and expectant. Anticipation is the equal to teasing. It's the watching but no touching pleasure of sex. *Daydreaming* Lol sorry slipped away for a sec. But it can also be the evil deal breaking turnoff if you're waiting too long between messages.

Hey here's a word to the wise: if your cheating don't leave the evidence in your phone!!! Yes texting is cheating. And sexting, well that's the almost as bad as going out and actually having sex with someone else. Could be worse depending on the types of things you're texting! So in conclusion, even when sexting you have to use protection. No sex is the best sex. But sexting is next after no sex. Just proceed with caution.

Studs vs. Femmes

So I was watching this documentary called "The Aggressives" for the first time and I became just a little bit offended. Don't get me wrong I loved the concept of it. The way they shadowed real women and told their stories of being out lesbians helps us in our acceptance with society. What I didn't like about the documentary is that they seemed to only address aggressiveness with studs. So are they saying that femmes can't be aggressive also?

By definition aggressive means assertive. I mean I would consider myself an aggressive femme.I'm very assertive. If I see someone I'm attracted to I'm capable of approaching them. I have several friends that feel the same way. Just because we don't dress boyish doesn't mean we don't meet the criteria. I thought the whole aggressive label described a lesbian as the one in a relationship who was most likely to take control. I date studs and femmes. I can totally take control in both situations. And have in both aspects.

Aggressiveness should not be what describes a woman from the outside appearance. That's what the labels: stud, femme, butch, stem, etc. are for. You can clearly look at one of us and tell by the way we dress what category we fall in. Well... usually. But if someone would actually come up to me and ask what do I identify myself as, my answer would be an aggressive femme. I mean that in all aspects of the description. Sexually, I'm not gonna put my business out there but let's say I don't just lay there. Mentally, I'm always thinking of ways to provide for my son, myself, and who I'm with. No I don't expect a stud to pay for everything we do. In fact more often then not I'm the one who pays. Physically I can handle my own. I know how to protect myself and if need be who I'm with. Don't let the pretty face and the curves fool you. I can throw down and have in my time.

So what I'm trying to figure out is if society thinks that studs are the only ones in the lesbian community that are aggressive. Do they not look at the femme on femme (or lipstick lesbian) relationships and not know that one of the two has to dominate the other? That goes even in heterosexual relationships. Someone has to dominate. And guess what I know a few heterosexual relationships where the woman is the one who wears the pants. Just saying.

Single Lesbian Mom

My baby boy is the single most important person in my life. I won't go into details about his conception but if you know me then you know the story. For those of you who don't know, yes, I was a lesbian prior to his conception.

My son has been born into "the life." So he understands the whole "my mommy likes women" concept. In fact my son is so in-tune with my preference that if a man approaches me in a manner where he is trying to get to know me, my son becomes and instant cock-blocker!! However, if a woman approaches me in the same manner, he steps aside and allows the exchange. This can be because he's a mamma's boy and the thought of another man having my attention is completely off base with him. Or it could be that he really does prefer for me to be happy in my lifestyle. I'll ask him when he gets older!

My son is 4 years old. Many of my friends ask me if I am worried that he will be teased growing up having a lesbian for a mother. I definitely feel as though because he was born into my lifestyle he will be a lot more tolerant of the situation. I mean this is a new day and time. Homosexuality is a lot more accepted than it use to be. I'm pretty sure he will have kids in the class that will have gay parents as well. And it's not as though I'm going to go to his school with at rainbow shirt on that says I love women on it.

My difficulty is here: I've met so many women that want to date me but don't want to deal with a child. Yes that's right. It's not that they are turned off that I've had sex with a man before. It's that they are selfish and don't want to share my time. Fine no big deal. But when I come back and ask them if it's because they don't want children, they say "no I just want to have my own child with you. I don't want to raise someone else's" Notice the quotation marks. Yes that was an actual quote that someone said to me.

It's like this, in a lesbian relationship it's physically impossible to have a child. A man has to be involved in one way or another. Whether he is donating his sperm artificially or actually (you know what I mean), unfortunately he has to donate his sperm. I'm waiting on China to perfect this whole mating of two eggs to create a child thing they are experimenting with. Anyways, no matter how it goes, whether they date me and I already have a child, or they date someone else and have a child with them, they are always going to be raising someone else's baby.

So not only do I get blacklisted by society for being a lesbian, I get blacklisted by the lesbian community because I have a child. Hmm go figure. Oh well I'm happy with or without you. If you don't want to date a woman with a child, someone else will. You could have just missed out on the single most important person in your life!!

Deleting and letting go of the past

Ok so as most of you know I'm no longer seeing a few people. There's one in particular that I share a few mutual friends and am still friends with on the ever so popular Facebook. Now here lies the problem. I still get her status updates and see pictures when she posts them. And you know that ever so annoying feature on FB that shows past status updates from certain friends on the advertisement section... yea I'm getting some of hers that are in reference to me back when we were dating. Seriously, ugh.

So now what do I do? Do I delete her as my friend? Is that the final step to letting go of the past? I'm not the type to completely cut off someone even if we don't work out. We can always be cool, or sometimes friends if we are both able to handle it. Plus it's kinda nice to know when something cool is going on with her. Except sometimes it drives me insane. I can't be that vindictive or shallow that I can't deal with seeing a post from her time and time again. I can't still have feelings for her that are preventing me from deleting her all together. What does it say about her that she hasn't deleted me.

I have this rule in my life called Control+ Alt+ Delete. Most of you know what that means in computer terms. Push all three buttons at the same time and the task manager pops up and allows you to end what your doing, esp. if the program is not responding. Same concept can apply to life. Here: Control- Control your temper or the situation. Alt- Find an alternate solution to the problem. Delete- Delete what's hurting your or causing the problem all together. And viola the person, job, or situation is no longer an issue.

By applying this rule to this situation though, I'm creating a barrier for my friends that I have in common with her. That could pose as a problem to them, and is really just unfair. Plus honestly I really do want to be her friend. Or in the least I'll admit I'm a little bitch and want her to be miserable when she sees how successful I turn out and what we could have been. Yea I think that's what it is. So to delete or not to delete that is the question.

The Dating Game

I've been back dating now for a few months. Ugh is all I can say. Why is it so hard? Well no let me clear that up. Dating for me is not hard. It's like every woman I have gone out with has fallen in love with me and wanted to take things further... already. Are we in that era of life where it's "hey let's make a commitment" after the first date. Or is it just the emotionally unbalanced trait of women all together? Case in point. There is one chick that I went out with and literally now she is ready to call up every woman in her phone to let them know she is off the market. Then there is an old flame I've been hanging with but I just can't seem to get it right with her.
I try not to smother her, she wants me to. I try to allow her to do what she wants to, she wants to be with me. And yes all that is great!! I would love nothing but to be with her. So why don't I? Hmmm... I say I'm ready. But obviously I'm not if she's only asking simple things of me and I can't comply. And I don't even know why it's so hard for me. She wants me to call more. Normally I smother who I want with calls and texts. She wants to see me every chance I have. Perfect normally I would try to see who I want every day of the week. I'm so out of character. I'm putting so much slack in the leash that I'm hanging myself. I don't even know how to tighten the line.
Maybe I'm still screwed up from the last relationship. So how do I fix it. And not just for her, for every woman I'm dating. I don't want to become bitter. Better yet I don't want to become a man. I can definitely see myself having the mentality of a man right now. Omg help me!!

She's Here

So as you can see, I haven't blogged in awhile. But I'm back and I still have plenty of topics to talk about. Here's a quick update. I'm no longer dating A. I'm officially single for like 8 months. And I'm taking a fresh approach to life. I'm single. Wow!! I'm dating new women and finally taking note to the things the I truly like, don't like, and will and will not tolerate. That being said. I have gone out with a new woman three times now. She's very interesting. We have great conversations, we have many things in common. And I generally like her. But I'm not sure the chemistry is there. But I want it to be. This is so weird. She is probably the one woman I've dated that i have the most in common with and you would think that sparks would be flying all over the board. Especially if I'm rooting for her. Right? She's says I'm perfect for her. I think she's perfect for me. But neither one of gets that light headed dizzy feeling when we get together. Could it be that for the first time I'm actually faced with the right woman and I don't know how an attraction other than purely sexual and physical looks like? I've had so many of the wrong women pass through my life to spark my flame and now that the right one has passed my way I've had too much false chemistry to know what true chemistry looks like.

Anyways this woman is simply amazing. Where I fall weak in an area, she can pick up the slack and vise verse. I'm a neat freak, she's messy. I have a lackadaisical attitude about bill paying, she pays everything on time and early. I'm wild and crazy and she's the designated driver! Can't wait to see where this new relationship goes. No pressure. I mean there are other women I'm dating, getting to know, etc. Then there's an ex that is interested in getting back together. Yet the fave of the bunch is this non spark inducing woman who is everything I ask for in a woman. Please stay tuned to find out how things turn out.

Needing input

Hey everyone! I need to know what types of things you want to read about. Do you want a deeper look into my life? Do you want to read about the politics of the gay lifestyle? Maybe you want to see reviews of movies, books, or other blogs. Can I leave you with an inspirational thought, some words of wisdom, or a funny tidbit that no one really needs to know? Whatever it is please let me know. A good writer always excepts criticism and is willing to improve.

Stalkers

Seems the older I get and the more I improve my self-worth, the more stalkers I accumulate! I understand I am a quality woman. You know the type of woman most are looking for: down to earth, spontaneous, family oriented, can cook, clean, and still look good or even better with age!!! Don't want to sound conceited, (Lol) but that's me all the way!!! The problem is that while I was dating different women (well... I didn't even have to date some of them for them to keep coming back) they were making note of the type of woman I am and they simply got attached immediately.

Let's use this as an example. BTW this is on the for real! I work at a bar in downtown Atlanta. On the day of my birthday a woman comes in with one of her coworkers. She is obviously a lesbian because she is on the stud end of the spectrum. Now, I have served them their drinks and am killing time by talking to my coworker about my plans for the evening/ weekend. 'Ol girl, whom we will call her Sinclair, is all up in my business. When I mention going to lesbian bar, her little ears perk up and she starts to ask all sorts of personal questions. In the back of my mind I'm like you don't know me well enough to ask these questions, while my mouth is spitting out half truths and beating around the bush because I know she is building up to the ultimate question. She does. "Do you like women?"

Against my better judgement I say yes. Sinclair proceeds to ask me for how long? how many girlfriends I've had?, and am I seeing anyone now? Even after I tell her that yes I am dating a woman right now, she still says she wants to take me out. She passes me her number and then on the side offers me a job. Ugh. Now I must admit offering me a job was a slick move because I was half tempted to call her up on that. One thing I'm not though, is dumb.

I can't get rid of this chick now. She keeps coming to my job. Sitting at the bar for hours. I mean hours watching me work. She trys to hold conversations with me in between patrons and is still trying to convince me to go out with her. Tipping well I might add!

Why is this chick trying so hard to get at me? Hmm, well it could be because one of my coworkers spilled the beans about me. Yeah, I'm not so thrilled about that. She asked my coworker 50 questions about me. My coworker, not thinking twice about it, gave her all the answers she needed. It's been almost two months and I can't get rid of this lady. What do I do? Do I get a restraining order keeping her from coming to my job? Hmmm, then I won't get the benefit of her tips! I could simply ask her not to come so often and to not stay so long that it makes me uncomfortable when she is there. Hmmm, then I won't get the benefit of her tips! I could have someone else take over the bar completely while she is there so that she will leave. Hmmm, then I won't get the benefit of her tips!!! Lol. Seriously though just playing on the tipping thing. There are enough tips in the world to make me put up with someone I don't want to.

The question of the day is what do you do when you have a stalker? And in my case, what do you do when you have several stalkers? Yea followers it's more than one. Don't believe me? Ask my bosses, coworkers, and friends.

Most Likely to Succeed or Not to Succeed

So my Spelman 5 year rookie reunion is coming up in a few weeks. I'm trying to decide if I should go or not. The pros, seeing my girls, hanging out, reminiscing, and simply great times in a school I love. The cons, I'm a 27 year old mother with nothing to show for herself. I'm so far from where I thought I would be in life. The road does not seem to be coming to an end any time soon. Picture this: You're driving from Maine to California. I'm in Vermont! Lol see my frustration? My college friends are well on the road somewhere in Colorado, some in Vegas, and well hell, even some are living it up in L.A already. Me, I'm in lonely old Vermont doing who knows what because what in the world is there to do in Vermont?

Do we put too much pressure on ourselves when we set our time lines? Finish with school by 28. Starting a career by 29. Married by 30? And what about life's little pot holes or accidents that happen on the road to our destinations? I hate doubting my self-worth. I have put so much more work into my life overcoming obstacles and battling scenarios that the majority of Spelman sisters never had to deal with. Yet, I put so much emphasis on wanting their approval and meeting the success that both they and I have set for myself.

What does A have to say about my depression? Hmmm... well, she like many others whom I have asked has said that I can't compare my success (or lack there of in my case) to everyone else's. That I am right where God wants me to be in this moment. However, that doesn't stop my frustrations and my doubt within myself. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to have a job that pays my bills and takes care or my son's needs. But I would love to be showcasing my talents that has taken me 20 years of education and and 27 years of life to perfect to the best of my ability. Well... I guess I am in this blog huh?!!!

One thing that I have going for myself that I wouldn't change for the world is my beautiful son and A. They make living this life I live all worth while. In the words of Lauryn Hill: " Now the skies could fall, not even if my boss should call. The world just seems so very small. Cuz nothing even matters at all." So I'm going to hang up my insecurities, pin on my happy face, and embrace my Spelman sisters in all their success. All the while I will be waiting for mine to come, no matter how long it takes. I will never give up!

Can you love two people?

Hmm... The age old question of can you be in love with two people at one time? And if you can, can you love them both equally? Well let me start by saying you guys already know that the boo will be reading my blogs. Lol! So this blog is about a friend of mine. I'm not trying to cause any unnecessary problems in the relationship! Now this friend of mine is in love with two completely different women. She, like me, is a lesbian. Not that that's relevant considering this issue does apply to all sexualities and genders.

My friend, let's call her Shawn, has been in the dating game now for a year and a half. Shawn though, is a tough egg to crack emotionally. She does not love easily because she has been hurt ridiculously in the last few years. Somewhere around June, she met a woman online who was everything that she wanted and needed in a partner.(Please be on the look out for my: Finding Love Online blog coming soon!) The problem, well like I said before she does not love easily. Shawn simply pushed the woman aside and wrote her feelings off as the here and now infatuation. She kept dating other women, going out every weekend with a different chick, calling me up telling me about her adventures, but always for some reason comparing them to this woman she met in June. The June woman is still courting her. Taking her out and proving her self-worth to Shawn. Little did my friend know, she had fallen in love with the June woman and just refused to come to terms with it.

February rolls around and my friend starts dating another chick. This new chick knows all about the June woman and vise verse. Both have simply fallen completely head over hills for Shawn. The February woman has my girl wide open. Taking her out to do things that she never does. In doing this, she makes it hard for Shawn to go out with the June woman because she is commanding all of her time. So the June woman chalks it up as a loss and starts dating someone else. The problem is that now Shawn has finally come to terms with her feelings for the June woman.

Suppressing these feelings because she only wants the June woman to be happy in life, Shawn throws herself head first into her new relationship with the February woman. Problem is, now Shawn has fallen for the February woman. She is in love again! Yet she can't get this nagging feeling out of her system, her love for the now long gone June woman. My friend, my poor diluted friend who was closed off for over a year and a half now cannot commit to her new lover because she is in love with the old. Poor baby. What's your opinion? Or do you feel like me and think Shawn is simply infatuated with the here and now of her February lover and the shoulda, coulda, woulda's with the June?

Ok, I can't front, I know my girl. She is a sad case. I do feel like she is in love with one and has love for the other. The question is who is who? Who is the better choice? And is it too late for her if the one she truly loves is already in love with someone else?
BTW followers is there a time frame for love?

First Time Blog!!!

Well this is my first official blog!!! I'm excited about this new project of mine. So expect to find lots of pictures, lots of funny, sad, and crazy stories, and don't always believe everything you read!!! Lol yes a lot of this blog will be true life events,however... these true life events may not all be my life!!! I have some interesting friends with some interesting stories as well. So I may incorporate some of their life events and lessons as my own to entertain you. Your job is to decipher between them and figure which are my own and which are my friends!!! Lol hell you may not even care if they are my own or not but if you do have fun trying to figure it out. Now if you're one of my many friends or acquaintances then well you have the advantage cuz you will know. Just don't spoil it for everyone else.
Now here's the freebies... All of the following is absolutely true about me.
1. I am 27 years old.
2. I am a lesbian. Femme to be exact!! Yes and I am proud to say it. Lol (sorry in advance for my language but hell it's my blog right? Don't like it don't read it anymore!)
3. I have a beautiful baby boy. He is 3 going on 33. This boy is simply grown!! CTFU! From now on though, he will be referred to as Kris.
4. I am completely infatuated and falling in love with a woman I have only known for 2 months and loving every minute of it. From now on she will be referred to as A.
5. I am a bartender in downtown Atl.
6. I am a Spelman graduate. And am receiving a master's degree at Emory.
7. Now from here on out if anything that I want you to know is about the real life me I will simply say "But on the for real."
Try to see what is the truth about me or not. If you don't care simply enjoy the stories that I have to tell.